Trigger ⚠️ Warning: self harm.
My roommate moved out today, and I spent the majority of the day alone in my room.
My thoughts went South rather quickly once alone…
Money worries, future worries, awfulizing…
Couldn’t seem to get a grip on it.
I didn’t want to bother anyone with my troubles, so I didn’t say much to anyone.
My friend finally texted me, “Are you ok?”
And I told her “No, I need to get out of here before I do something stupid.”
Timing was perfect.
I haven’t been that close in a looong time…the bottle of Tylenol here was looking pretty tantalizing, and I got too close to taking them all.
I almost wish my job did start today…this having nothing to do is dangerous.
I wanted to leave, but didn’t have anywhere to go and no money to help with that.
My friend said she would Apple Pay me a little money if I would agree to go walk around a store and pick out something to help me, but not hurt myself with.
I made a deal with her that I would.
I have often, in the past, driven to a store to go in a buy a knife or razor to self harm. It was an old habit…
When I went into Walgreens with my Apple Pay, I went over to the old familiar razor section…
Then I remembered I made a deal with her…and I sort of snapped out of that trance I was in.
So, I went looking around the store for something to help me.
I didn’t know what to get…nothing seemed helpful, really.
So, I called my friend for help.
She asked me what would bring me comfort right now.
I thought of slippers…they cost too much. (At Walgreens, of course.)
Maybe some bath bombs…
Then I saw it.
An LED desktop water fountain, $10.
I love the sound of water…it’s so soothing and calming to my nervous system.
I grabbed the fountain, a candy bar and a soda.
I did it!
Had to go back to the gas station for batteries…and I don’t like being out at night alone anymore. But my friend stayed on the phone with me.
Finally got the fountain set up…and I love it.
Not just the fountain itself…but what it represents.
Taking care of myself when I’m in distress, rather than hurting myself.
My friend said, “You realize what you just did, right? You’re creating a whole new behavior.”
I learned about this before! Rewiring those neural pathways, and all that. No one ever really showed me how, though.
“I know, it’s crazy!” I replied.
“No, it’s SANE,” she laughed.
It feels pretty good, I think I like this taking care of myself thing.
I’m kinda proud of myself, too.
And now I’m just going to relax, listen to my fountain and watch a movie until I go to sleep.
How come no therapist in this entire big mental health system ever walked me through this?
That was so much easier–and more helpful–than restraints!!!
–via the ghostwriter