My Lips Are Sealed

Saw my therapist today.

Early this morning. I was falling asleep while she was talking.

She says I need to work on my “sleep hygiene.”

I say, I need off this darn seroquel.

I can’t stay awake regardless.

Angela thinks I should go online and join a mental health discussion group.

I’m satisfied with my blog, but didn’t tell her that.

In fact, I didn’t tell her much of anything.

The pressure was on high…pressure to divulge all my innermost feelings and struggles.

I resisted.

No more of that crap.

No more opening myself up to people I clearly cannot trust, and who clearly do not have my best interest at heart…

No matter how much they pretend to.

Two therapists I’ve never seen before showed up at my door today to tell me my court hearing for my court commitment is in a few days.

Thanks for the warning.

I can’t be there. It’s the first day of my new job, so I stipulated for another 3 months.

There was a time I would’ve fought that…but it doesn’t matter. I can stick it out 3 months, so long as I’m free.

And, I can work on my “sleep hygiene” when the 3 months is up, and I can quit the darn seroquel.

Not worrying about that now.

👍🏼

I kinda like falling asleep in therapy. There’s no better way to say I’m completely disinterested…but it wasn’t on purpose.

😂

I really appreciate all the support here, truly helps!

-via the ghostwriter

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🤬

I think I’m getting better…

I’m angry…and talking about things that happened to me in these facilities for the first time.

For the first time, the anger is going outward, where it belongs, instead of inward.

I’m planning for the future, and future oriented for the first time in years.

I feel sure my self harm days are OVER…

Screw them.

This actually feels really good.

–via the ghostwriter

Close Call

Trigger ⚠️ Warning: self harm.

My roommate moved out today, and I spent the majority of the day alone in my room.

My thoughts went South rather quickly once alone…

Money worries, future worries, awfulizing…

Couldn’t seem to get a grip on it.

I didn’t want to bother anyone with my troubles, so I didn’t say much to anyone.

My friend finally texted me, “Are you ok?”

And I told her “No, I need to get out of here before I do something stupid.”

Timing was perfect.

I haven’t been that close in a looong time…the bottle of Tylenol here was looking pretty tantalizing, and I got too close to taking them all.

I almost wish my job did start today…this having nothing to do is dangerous.

I wanted to leave, but didn’t have anywhere to go and no money to help with that.

My friend said she would Apple Pay me a little money if I would agree to go walk around a store and pick out something to help me, but not hurt myself with.

I made a deal with her that I would.

I have often, in the past, driven to a store to go in a buy a knife or razor to self harm. It was an old habit…

When I went into Walgreens with my Apple Pay, I went over to the old familiar razor section…

Then I remembered I made a deal with her…and I sort of snapped out of that trance I was in.

So, I went looking around the store for something to help me.

Stuffed animals.

Hair things.

Candy.

I didn’t know what to get…nothing seemed helpful, really.

So, I called my friend for help.

She asked me what would bring me comfort right now.

I thought of slippers…they cost too much. (At Walgreens, of course.)

Maybe some bath bombs…

Then I saw it.

An LED desktop water fountain, $10.

I love the sound of water…it’s so soothing and calming to my nervous system.

I grabbed the fountain, a candy bar and a soda.

I did it!

Had to go back to the gas station for batteries…and I don’t like being out at night alone anymore. But my friend stayed on the phone with me.

Finally got the fountain set up…and I love it.

Not just the fountain itself…but what it represents.

Taking care of myself when I’m in distress, rather than hurting myself.

My friend said, “You realize what you just did, right? You’re creating a whole new behavior.”

I learned about this before! Rewiring those neural pathways, and all that. No one ever really showed me how, though.

“I know, it’s crazy!” I replied.

“No, it’s SANE,” she laughed.

It feels pretty good, I think I like this taking care of myself thing.

I’m kinda proud of myself, too.

And now I’m just going to relax, listen to my fountain and watch a movie until I go to sleep.

How come no therapist in this entire big mental health system ever walked me through this?

That was so much easier–and more helpful–than restraints!!!

🤷🏼‍♀️

–via the ghostwriter

🤦🏻‍♀️

Ok, well here’s why I worry…

I read the email wrong. I don’t actually Starr work til next week.

I got up and got dressed…and I’m glad I double checked the info.

🤦🏻‍♀️

Meds can make you stupid.

Probably another week of worrying about my ability to do this. I’m relieved and…just ugh.

–via the ghostwriter

Zzzzz

I’m bored.

Can’t wait to start work!

But I’m sleeping all the time…

Thanks to seroquel.

And I’m hungry constantly…

Which is a combination of seroquel and months of starvation at the state hospital, I’m sure.

I’m kind of miserable…but at least I’m not there.

It’s funny how being back in this same transitional apartment brings alive the past when I was here before.

I keep feeling like I need to call my therapist and/or the crisis line…but I’m really fine. It’s like some kind of old, built in urge that I had when I was here before. Unnecessary, really.

And I know it won’t help a doggone thing.

Even if I was in danger.

Calling either one will just bring on the same ol’ sabotaging “help.”

One of my roommates is helping herself to what little food I have, and hiding the wrappers in the bathroom.

One of my roommates keeps turning the heat down to 60 degrees or below.

I’m freezing.

One of them is moving out…and into my old apartment and old room. (Davis housing.)

😂 Good luck with the other occupant. (That’s a story in itself!)

I hope my next place is better.

I got a parking ticket for parking on the street, which is apparently not allowed in the winter months here…even though it’s not snowing (snow plows.)

It just seems like constant aggravation.

But I’m still alright.

Looking forward to starting work…but trying to wrap my head around how I’m going to stay awake and mentally function on this evil medication while I’m there.

😕

–via the ghostwriter

Frenemies

Facebook is diabolical.

It keeps suggesting all the staff from the state hospital for me as people I might know.

How in the hell does Facebook know I have had any connection to these people?

Ugh.

At least I know their last names now…😏

–via the ghostwriter