Hackers are back

We’ve got someone reading all your comments before I can get to them.

Just FYI.

New and interesting developments in this saga.

Stay tuned.

–The Ghostwriter



I’m at the urgent care today.

They had to make sure I didn’t have the flu, just couldn’t stop vomiting.

No flu.

Doctor here thinks it is the vraylar.


On to the next deadly drug, I suppose.

I don’t understand why they keep changing my meds.

When I got out of the state hospital, I was stable. The meds were “working.”

They say that’s why they send people there…and they don’t get out until they’re stable.

But DBH immediately started changing them, adding more and more.

It makes no sense…

Since these drugs take time before you actually know if they’re going to work…but they change my meds every few weeks…none of it actually works or has time to.

But each new drug combo makes me sicker and sicker.

For months now, nothing they’ve done works.

It doesn’t make sense…unless you factor in that it may all be perfectly intentional.

(Remember the bouncy balls?)

These people have be to educated well enough to know better.

-Via the Ghostwriter


This vraylar is horrible poison!

I’ve had a growing migraine since I started it. Been in bed pretty much all day. I feel like my head is going to explode…

I feel like death.

Plus, I’m nauseas and vomiting regularly and it’s getting worse.

I never want to take another med as long as I live!

But I’ll have to.

Court ordered.

Because it’s “good” for me.

And if I tell anyone, they’ll say I’m making it all up…for attention.


-via the ghostwriter


My therapist continues to insist that I go through some form of trauma therapy…

BEFORE I have to witness against my attacker in court.

I have several issues with this.

First, there’s no way I can get through a lifetime of abuse trauma in the next few months.

I fear that I’ll go into that courtroom more exposed and overwhelmed with it.

Second, I don’t trust my therapist AT ALL. The games continue, same old story every single time.

Thirdly, I don’t feel ready for trauma therapy, and being coerced makes me less and less comfortable with it.

Every week she throws out some new form of trauma therapy, and tries to get to agree to it.

Here’s the latest:

“Trauma Conversion Therapy”


I have literally scoured the internet and this is all the info available…except that the man who developed it never finished his application process for his trademark on it.

I’ve asked around, no one has ever heard of it.

If I agree to it, I’d have to see another therapist I’ve never met before.

Actually, a new therapist is appealing.

But delving onto my deepest trauma with a stranger isn’t.

And the track record of these “professionals” doesn’t give me much hope.

I’m not agreeing to it…

But I realize that I may not have a choice.

My meds are changed every time I go in.

Vraylar is the latest…never heard of it, can’t pronounce it.

Do these people realize it takes TIME for psychotropic meds to work properly?

Janie doesn’t leave me on anything long enough to find out if it’s going to help or not.

I’ve been pretty stable, no self harm since the last blog about it.

So…why the change?

I don’t know what the hell they’re doing…it appears they don’t either…

But beneath all the confusion, I see a bigger, organized plan at work.

–via the ghostwriter


Finally, some good news!

I’ve been approved for my own housing.

It’s an apartment with no roommates.


Unless I can find part time work, I’ll be living on $40/month and $25/month in food stamps…

Somehow that just seems wrong…but at least I’ll have privacy and don’t have put up with another mental health patient day in and day out.

Should be able to move in before the end of the month.


–via the ghostwriter

My Dream Job

Dear Indeed.com,

While I appreciate your recommendation that I apply for a psych tech job at the state hospital, I respectfully decline.

I simply do not have the sadistic urge to torment patients and watch them die slow deaths in a dark, oppressive environment with no hope of escape.

Besides, I despise the staff and I am still attempting to recover from the nightmare of my stay there.

$11.07/hr won’t make up for it.

Thank you, but I will seek happiness and employment elsewhere.



–via the ghostwriter

Fed Up

Miss Hell.

That’s what I’ll call her for the purpose of this blog.

Miss Hell is a nurse at the crisis facility.

She’s always been kind to me and seemed supportive…until two days ago.

Amidst the turmoil of all of this, it was refreshing to have someone who was nice and who listened and offered support…so unlike the rest of the staff.



After the last trip to the ER, EVERYONE in DBH has major attitude with me. More than normal.

They (always) act like I’m doing all of this to somehow cause them problems…like I’m a menace to society, something terrible that needs to be obliterated for the greater well-being of mankind.

Not that I’m sick, mind you, I couldn’t just be sick…in need of medical care.

No, according to them, I’m purposefully just trying to make all of their lives and jobs harder.

Miss Hell, I trusted, because she acted like she was on my side.

She’s not.

I called her to ask her some questions the other night, which I’ve done from time to time when I can’t get any information or help from other DBH staff. She’s always been helpful before.

But this time, her response was, quite literally, shocking. I had a hard time wrapping my mind around it.

She said:

1. I did so much better at the state hospital, I should just go back.

2. That I only harm myself or make suicide attempts that I know will fail just for the attention.

(Attention seeking is apparently the worst crime known to humankind, so far as the Utah Mental Health System is concerned. Attention seekers are far, far beneath even chronic sex offenders.)

3. “What are you going to do, just keep hurting yourself for the rest of your life?”

Well, if DBH holds me hostage that long, I just might!

Not because I want to…but because they seem to be enjoying this little game…

Traumatizing me, aggravating me, manipulating and emotionally/psychologically tormenting me…driving me to self harm…and then villifying me for it.

Like some sick, twisted sadistic psycho dies to his captive in a horror movie.

I’ve heard all the same bullcrap before from plenty of mental health workers over the years.

But I was absolutely stunned to hear this coming out of Miss Hell’s mouth. She has NEVER belittled me before…

And I’ve come to the realization that I cannot trust a single soul employed by the mental health system.

I don’t know if these people can actually help me or not, but I feel quite certain they don’t want to.

Even when they’re nice to me, it seems to be a means to an end.

I feel foolish…like I was set up!

I trusted her, reached out for support, and got my face slapped…again.

With no warning, just out of the clear blue sky…the shock of it was worse than what she actually said!

No more, I’ve had enough.

I’m not trusting anyone here ever again.

Notes from Ghostwriter:

We’ve observed time and again what seems to be a “good cop/bad cop” routine among the staff.

Repeatedly, the “mean” ones drive the patient to the “nice” ones, where she leans heavily for support. Each and every time, when things get difficult, the “nice” ones inevitably turn on her and echo the “mean” ones.

The hard part is, because she trusted the nice ones and opened up to them, they know exactly how and where to strike to make it hurt the most.

Definitely not accidental or coincidental.

Pretty diabolical, yet effective way to silence victims, in my opinion. Many clients are stuck in the system with no family or outside support. They cannot trust staff, and they just…shut down.