Strangle Hold

⚠️ Caution: trigger warning.

From the Ghostwriter:

Friday night, the blogger fell off the radar.

She reported late afternoon that she had to meet with Tom, who we’ve mentioned before.

Refresher:

Tom was the crisis worker who kept calling her and harassing her prior to her admittance to the state hospital. He kept claiming someone had called the crisis line on her, but we obtained the call logs and discovered no one had ever called in.

Tom once vowed to the blogger to keep her on court commitment for life.

The calls from him began the very day the court released her. The harassment contributed to her admittance to the state hospital.

He also cornered her in the psych ward prior to the state hospital. She told him she didn’t want his help. He threatened covertly, “We will be here to help you as long as you reside in this county.”

She had told him multiple times she didn’t want to talk to him, which he labeled “unacceptable.”

We contacted the Department of Professional Licensure. The investigator was acquainted with Tom, and would not pursue it, although he said he would talk with Tom unofficially if we wanted. We did not see the point.

We also contacted Adult Protective Services who did a brief investigation. Never heard anything more, as all investigations are “inconclusive,” so I’m told.

When the blogger was released from the state, Tom offered a seemingly kind “no hard feelings” make-up session with the blogger.

She feels it was extremely insincere. He is more careful with his words now, but still appears to be pushing her in the wrong direction.

All I knew Friday was that she was made to meet with him, and left the meeting obsessing on the idea of strangling herself.

It’s very interesting how she can be feeling just fine, then meets with these people, and suddenly wants to hurt herself or kill herself.

I, and others, have observed this unmistakable pattern since she was released from the state hospital…I don’t know that I would have believed it before, but I saw enough while she was there to not question it.

I feel confident they are hypnotizing her and placing hypnotic suggestions in her mind to make her do things. Couple that with subtle threats, and she can’t seem to maintain control of herself.

I spoke with her several times throughout the day. She seemed very normal, bored and wanting to leave, but pretty much alright.

After meeting with Tom, her tone of voice changed. She sounded far away, entranced, distant and disconnected. Her normally animated personality was flat and barren. All she could talk about was how Tom had forced her to look him in the eye when she really didn’t want to, and how strange he made her feel…and how she now could not stop thinking about strangulation.

I’ve observed this after every meeting with Danae, Angela, and Tom.

Dr. Shark and Janie (APRN) leave her very frustrated, but typically not suicidal/self-harming. It seems to be solely the therapists who produce that effect.

The blogger had been very excited about leaving Monday and getting back to her schoolwork and normal activities. She was hopeful, and nowhere near suicidal.

One meeting with Tom, and she changed drastically. Whatever that meeting did, she instantly altered, and couldn’t think of anything but how to make a noose to strangle herself.

I told her that if she went through with it, it probably would not work, but would prolong her stay, and possibly lead back to the state hospital.

Usually, that snaps her out if it to some degree. She has NO desire to go back there. Of her own accord, I am certain she would never self harm again just to stay free from it.

This time, I could not bring her back to Earth. She only responded, “Oh, it could work, it really could.”

She said she would call me later, hurried to get off the phone, and never called.

I was not able to get her back on the phone.

The next day, Saturday, in the afternoon the blogger finally called me.

She told me about the noose she made with a shirt. She had tied it very tightly around her neck, and said it almost worked. She said her eyes went dark before the staff found her…but that she didn’t remember much of anything before it.

The fact that the staff found her is strange to me, since I’m all the time she’s ever been there, they’ve only checked in one her once before.

And every time this happens, she is blacking out and has no clear memory of the actual act of self harm/suicide.

Whatever they are doing to her is breaking her mind.

The staff didn’t say much to her about it. Because it’s the weekend, the critical staff members are absent.

She was given a pass prior to the incident to go with a family member today, Sunday. They denied it after the incident.

Very doubtful they will let her go tomorrow, as previously planned.

She is very nervous about tomorrow.

Tomorrow she meets with Danae and other medical staff to discover her fate, and possibly to be hypnotized…again.

She’s concerned they will be sending her back to the state hospital for a very long stay.

We will find out.

–the Ghostwriter

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πŸ˜•

Just too scared to talk about the last 24 hours.

Probably won’t be leaving here unless it’s in a bodybag.

–via the ghostwriter

Pinocchio

Met with Danae the Devil again today.

She harassed, harangued, cajoled and performed gymnastic feats and stunts with my words…

Until I finally told her what she wanted to hear:

That I was suicidal and I have a plan.

I wasn’t and I didn’t.

But now…I am actually tempted.

I’m just too tired to keep fighting them at every turn.

The result: they took me out of my room and put me in some little, sweltering hot observation room, with a plastic mat on the floor.

I’m uncomfortable.

I feel strange, dissociative…and severely tempted to make a noose and hang myself.

Why???

Why do they make tell lies?

Feel lies, even?!

I did NOT feel this way before talking to Danae the Devil.

It’s the same hypnosis trick my regular therapist uses…only supercharged.

It makes me say things I don’t want to say.

And suddenly, I feel things I don’t want to feel.

I lose my composure and self control.

And I feel like I can’t take one more second of this!

Just gotta get through the weekend.

I wish they would just leave me alone!

Prayers requested, please.

“A lie keeps growing and growing until it’s as clear as the nose on your face.”

–via the Ghostwriter

Foiled Again

My Ghostwriter told me on the phone last night that if they pressed the issue of the mystery pills, the blog would move to the next level.

We already know they listen to our calls.

This is the same game we played while I was in the state hospital.

Met with Dr. Shark today.

The pills (or pill, singular) they found in my closet was a yeast infection pill.

Nothing that I’m prescribed.

Clearly, they do not do daily checks, as they claim.

And clearly, someone knew there was a pill there, or else why have the search at all?

Perhaps it’s just a coincidence, but the admission that this pill was not mine will keep the blog where it is currently.

For now.

Dr. Shark harassed me about my “borderline.”

“We need to get your borderline under control,” she kept saying.

That would be a fabulous plan, if I actually had borderline personality disorder.

But since that’s just a catch-all dirty word for “self harm,” I have an issue.

For five months, I was self harm free.

During those five months, my therapist, APRN, and everyone else in this god forsaken place has pushed me, even hypnotized me, and tried to force me into being and/or saying that I was suicidal.

Then they changed my meds, for no apparent reason, and about drove me insane. None of which they take any credit for.

And my brief moment of unwilling self harm, as a result of the bad medications, has been inflated into “out of control borderline.”

It’s the same ol garbage…

Reality means nothing.

But it gets really old.

If anyone here actually spoke about this realistically, I think I’d faint of sheer relief.

The upside is that Dr. Shark says she expects me to be released Monday or Tuesday.

Much sooner than they’ve been threatening.

Just like the state hospital.

Thanks to everyone for being here!

–via the ghostwriter

Framed

So…

When my social worker went to apartment to get my antibiotics the other day, she apparently found some meds under my bed that I never took.

She says it was a lot of pills, and that she found them all over my room.

I have no memory of stashing or hiding pills in my room. I don’t understand what would be the point of that, either.

I told her very simply that I don’t remember doing that and don’t know why I would.

This Danae character here in this facility has threatened to kick me out of housing multiple times due to me not being compliant with the meds.

However, here in the facility, they watch me take my meds. There’s no alternative but to swallow them.

We get our cellphones for an hour each day.

I was in my room listening to music this evening when staff came in and performed a search of my room. I tried to ignore them, although it was bizarre.

They left, came back and said they had to perform a more thorough search because they found pills in the closet.

😳What?

They claim they searched all the rooms, and do it regularly when we’re not in our rooms.

No, they don’t.

There’s nothing indicating they searched any other room but mine.

And, I’ve been sitting in this room all day every day. I’ve been to this facility 9 different times. I’ve never before heard or seen any signs of room searches.

If these searches are regularly done when we’re not in our rooms…why perform one while I’m in my room today, and just coincidentally on the day there are magick pills in the closet?

If these searches are performed regularly, and in all my time here they have never before found pills in my room… (indicating I’ve never hid them before)…

WHY would I suddenly start TODAY hiding my pills, knowing good and well that they’re threatening homelessness if I don’t take my meds???

HOW STUPID DO THEY THINK I REALLY AM???

And why…someone please explain…did I not see them collecting any pills out of my room?

Why are they refusing to tell me what pills they found, and whether or not they are actually my same prescriptions?

If they did find real pills in the closet–which I do not use–could they have belonged to my one day teenage roommate?

Seems a lot more plausible.

But, no one here cares about reality…it’s just all too inconvenient when you’ve got a diabolical agenda.

They would call it paranoia…but clearly, I’m being set up.

Neither my therapist or the APRN showed for our appointments today. I knew it was a little too quiet around here…

–via the ghostwriter

Solitude

Had a roommate for a brief moment…

A teenager who drove me nuts offering her triggering words of “experienced wisdom” and telling me how to live my life.

I locked myself in the bathroom to get away from her and have some quiet time.

The staff forced their way in and demanding to see my arms.

One of male techs grabbed my arm, and pulled it.

In this facility, they’re not allowed to touch me. No restraints here, and no touching.

I told him not to touch me, and he started yelling about the cut on my arm.

Um…that’s the cut that got me here…hello?

It’s clearly not fresh.

It took all of my inner reserves of strength not to haul off and punch him in the face.

I’m NOT a violent person.

I just know I’m being pushed waaaaay too far when I start feeling like this…and it’s been happening a lot lately.

My teenage roommate was discharged because she had to attend high school.

Meanwhile, my college courses are going unattended…and all my Pell grants and loans…down the toilet.

But at least I don’t have to listen to a little know-it-all with diarrhea of the mouth anymore.

*sigh*

It’s the little things that matter.

–via the Ghostwriter

TKO

So…

Danae is forcing me to keep a “hallucination tracker.”

This is a 5 page chart where I am to write down each hallucination I have, what happened before, and after, etc. and so on.

She insists that I’m psychotic.

I regret telling anyone here about the hallucinations I was having that fateful night that I took the Ambien.

No one will accept that it was due to the Ambien…

Or that the episode is over.

That was…more than a week ago? (Hard to keep track of time here.)

But they still insist I’m psychotic.

I’ve told them I’m NOT hallucinating. They don’t care what I say, unless it agrees with their assessment.

If they really could read minds like they claim to be able to, I think they could all make a better living as psychics, or in circuses, or something.

Danae says if I don’t fill these pages, she’ll know I didn’t do the exercise. There will apparently be consequences if I don’t. Probably a longer stay.

So what do I then?

My assignment is to lie. Pretend I’m psychotic and make up hallucinations to fill these pages.

What then?

They’ll say I’m psychotic and was lying to them all this time…and probably add on more drugs.

(I’m already taking enough to kill my liver quickly…and they just added Zyprexa as an added bonus.)

Remember what I said about double binds?

Well…yeah.

————

https://traumahealed.com/articles/step-away-from-double-binds/

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Double_bind

————

Danae told me today that I can leave anytime I want to, but if I leave, I no longer have housing.

Homelessness never looked so appealing.

I replied, “That is a little manipulative.”

“Oh no! No, it isn’t at all!” she insisted.

She just wants me to know that I have a choice, that’s all.πŸ™„

My social worker was supposed to go to my apartment and bring me a change of clothes, and some things to do. (Coloring books, etc.)

She never did and was nowhere to be found.

Dr. Shark ordered 15 minute checks for me…to make sure I don’t commit suicide.

They don’t check on me.

Good thing I’m not actually suicidal.

I’m sure their notes say they do check, but they don’t.

I suspect they all know I’m not suicidal.

That, or they just don’t care. Either way, I’m glad they’re not bothering me.

Gotta meet with Janie and Angela both tomorrow. Tag team “treatment.” I already feel like I’ve been knocked out.

–via the ghostwriter