Ups and Downs

Angela (therapist) told me today that she wants me to attend a weekly group…to make new friends.

I don’t think Dr. Z would approve!

(She wrote in my records that I like being hospitalized so I can make friends with dysfunctional people, which I enjoy, so I get myself admitted for fun.)


I told Angela about the state hospital sabotage…

Her reply, “That’s unfortunate.”

Somehow, I don’t think she was surprised one bit.


But…on the flip side, I got a job today.

Pretty happy about that!


No more starving for this girl. 😬

If they won’t help me, I’ll just have to help myself.

-via the ghostwriter



Just when you think everything is right on track…

I spent the afternoon with my social worker…and we were on the phone with the State Hospital.

I was released on November 19.

Dr. Z went on vacation on November 26.

Just found out today that I was never actually released on paper…

And the excuse the state hospital is giving is that Dr. Z has been on vacation.

An entire week after I left, she went on vacation and couldn’t be bothered to release me first???

So, why does this non-release really matter?

As far as social security is concerned, I’m still at the hospital and have been for two weeks.

That’s two weeks USH is getting paid for me being there…

And two weeks that I don’t get any progress towards getting my benefits…

And who knows how much longer til I have any money to live on. 😟

Social security won’t even process my benefits until I’m released!

And I think it’s common knowledge…they are SLOW.

I can’t even apply for housing until it’s resolved with Social Security.

I can’t even express my feelings right now…

BUT, if I ever doubted that there are evil people involved here who are trying to sabotage me, I will never doubt it again.


Oh, and….Dr. Z won’t be back for another full week.

–via the ghostwriter


Today was ok.

Saw the nurse practitioner. Nothing too painful. I only have to come back once a month. That’s great.

My two weeks trial from the state officially ended today.

I was home here by myself today…first time I’ve been ALONE in months and months.

I didn’t know what to do with myself. I took full advantage of the situation…

I blasted Christmas music and danced to it for awhile.


Got some groceries, which is always good. Don’t have to worry about starving for now.

Overall, it was a nice day.

But I have to go see Angela tomorrow. 😟

Trying not to think about it…

Just enjoying the day and trying to find things to keep me busy and my mind occupied.

Suggestions welcome!

–via the ghostwriter

Fresh Air

An entire weekend…

Free of social workers, nurses, doctors, therapists…

And other patients. (My roommates are pretty quiet.)

It’s wonderful!

Weird. Quiet. Kinda empty…

But wonderful all the same.


–via the ghostwriter


It’s hard to know what to do with my day…after being shut up for so long and having all my time structured for me.

I get to make my own decisions about how to spend my time now…it seems so odd.

I don’t know what to do!

I can go anywhere, do anything (as long as it doesn’t cost money)…

And I’m just sitting here with no clue what to do.

I wonder how people who spend years in jail transition back into daily life…?

Or hostages?

It feels like my decision making muscles have been clipped…or stolen.

Why didn’t anyone prepare me for this?


–via the ghostwriter

No Angel

Therapy was…awkward.

Angela…is no angel.

“Are you having suicidal thoughts?”


“Would you tell me if you were?”


πŸ€”Probably not, actually…

“If you tell me you’re having suicidal thoughts, I will have to turn you over to the crisis line.”

Is that a threat?

Is she telling me not to actually tell her if I’m suicidal?

It really sounded that way.

Crisis line means dealing with Tom, back to CRU, and back to the state.

I told her I don’t trust her after sending me to the state.

“You were so lost in your illness, I didn’t know how to help you. No one did.”

So, then what did you all learn in college anyway?

Why are you all responsible for treating people with mental illness if you don’t know how to help them when they’re sick?

Did anyone really think sending me home is that night was the right solution?

Did anyone care that they were pushing me and sabotaging me, and making my illness worse?

(They claim they didn’t know I was in danger…πŸ™„)

Why are you my therapist, then, if you can’t help me?

“Do you feel ready to begin trauma therapy?”


Actually, yes, I’d like to work on my trauma with a proven, safe, effective method…and with a therapist I actually trust. But since I have Angela and prolonged exposure, then…NO.


Did she take no for answer?

About as well as the orange and pink therapist.

She says I’ll never get better if I don’t let her help me.


This is going to be a real challenge…

Why would someone who has acknowledged their incompetence in helping me then urge me to delve into my deepest traumas with her?





–via the Ghostwriter


Well, yesterday was adventuresome.

I had $10 to my name and a little left in food stamps.

My aunt took me to get my car…and the gas cap was missing, tank completely empty. I think it’s safe to assume someone ciphoned the gas out.

Pretty sad.

My car is old, nothing worth stealing…but the gas is, I guess.

So my $10 went in the tank.

I ate some tasty food…and had some egg nog. That was highlight of the day. (Sorry guys, I love junk food…)

My new roommate is messy, but so far not stinky…and doesn’t flip the light on through the night. I think we’re going to be ok.

But, I’m nervous…

I have an appointment with Angela today…

Same therapist that sent me into Hell last time.

Same sweet, caring, seductive therapist who manages to sabotage me at every turn and does it out of “concern.”

Same therapist that pretended not to see me a week ago.

Same ol’…bull crap.

I have a really hard time saying no to her or maintaining boundaries. She pushes and makes it all look so sweet and lovely…I can barely resist.

So I’m nervous…

Because I always seem to end up doing things for her that I don’t want to and worse off in the end.


–via the ghostwriter