Contradiction

My therapist told me today that DBH isn’t going to make me go inpatient because it makes me “worse.”

She claims that the crisis facility is an exception, though, and really helps me.

Anyone else see a problem with this?

–via the Ghostwriter

Advertisements

Blackout

Feeling very cautious about blogging these days. Hackers, lurkers, subtle threats from staff…

My therapist is pushing for me to start trauma therapy with her…but still inducing trances and I’m worse off with each visit.

She put me in a “seeking safety” group…I had to leave because I randomly burst into tears and couldn’t calm down during the group.

Not exactly “safe.”

Seems life is pretty much ok…so long as I have no contact with DBH.

As soon as I have contact, I take a mental health plunge.

⚠️ Trigger warning! Self harm. ⚠️

Had another blackout tonight.

I lay down and went to sleep around 6 pm.

Next thing I knew, I was looking around panicking and wondering where I was…

And then I recognized the ER.

I now have 7 staples in my neck.

In all my years of self harm, I’ve never cut my neck before this last month…this is the second time.

The crisis worker in the ER was mean, drove me to sobs.

Why?

Because it’s my third time there.

What do these people expect from self harmers?

I think I may want to learn how to stitch my own wounds just to avoid further mistreatment…from a freaking crisis worker, no less.

He contacted DBH.

They told him if it was a suicide attempt, they wouldn’t pay for anything.

He said it looked like a suicide attempt. (I’d have to agree, but I wasn’t feeling suicidal when I went to sleep.)

DBH’s recommendation:

Make a safety plan with me and send me home.

SEND ME HOME.

(Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad…but I recognize how messed up that is…)

Now, that’s the same ol’ Davis Behavioral Health I’ve grown to know and loathe.

I was starting to not be able to recognize them…when they kept me three weeks (when I wasn’t really suicidal) in the crisis facility…and when they actually made me feel suicidal while there.

It’s much more like their norm to send me home after a suicide attempt…or even while I’m expressing a desire to kill myself.

(That’s how I got to the state hospital, in the first place.)

Now, I’m back home…waiting.

Waiting for tomorrow to find out my fate.

I could be kicked out of housing.

I could be sent somewhere inpatient.

It’s pretty unpredictable…their responses are never the same…or very logical.

One thing is for sure…this cut is going to hurt like hell while healing.

I can’t even find the weapon…I’ve searched the apartment, I see nothing…again…to indicate how I might have cut myself.

???

It may sound crazy, but sometimes I wonder if someone else is doing it…

I’ve had bruises on my hands and a jammed finger at times, too. (Happened somehow during blackouts, and looks like maybe there was a struggle.)

I just don’t know.

–via the ghostwriter

Escape

Well, the struggle continues.

I spent a few days with my aunt, and then with a friend. Quality of life seems tolerable…except when I’m in this apartment.

I have three roommates now…all three are barely tolerable and making life very difficult. I can hardly wait to get into my own place.

After being gone over weekend and Monday, I came back here yesterday afternoon…and the overwhelming depression set in again.

I lied down around 7:30 pm to take a nap.

Next thing I knew, it was after 11:30 pm, and I was driving.

No clue where I’d been.

I was only a few blocks from the apartment heading home. A quarter tank of gas missing.

I called my friend…who had texted me hours earlier. She said she was wondering where I was for hours because she got no reply.

I discovered the culprit once inside because my arm was aching. 19 stitches…and a hospital bracelet.

And no memory of it.

I logged in my health account online and read the ER notes.

They said I was “low risk” for suicide and sent me home…even though they reported I told them I was suicidal.

It makes no sense…

Most of the time I tell them I’m NOT suicidal and they don’t believe me.

Now they say I told them I was, but “low risk.”

Because I have no memory of any of it, I can’t say for sure happened.

But I’m really tired of this…and pretty freaked out.

This dissociation and blackouts are getting worse. Seems to be increasingly worse with every interaction I have with my APRN, therapist, or the group they gave me attending.

The only time I seem to be ok is when I’m out of DBH completely and with friends or family.

I need OUT permanently, it seems pretty clear.

–via the ghostwriter

Lurking

Temporarily, this blog cannot receive email messages.

Some unknown person or persons reported the email associated with this blog, claiming that they’ve been harassed by it.

The email server suspended the account.

We have lurkers here, saboteurs…

Which would likely be certain someone’s who have a particular, personal interest in what’s being said.

Note:

All self harm and blackouts stopped after the last blog.

The facility did not keep her but one night.

So, “hello” to our lurkers!